There are no words to explain how I feel right now. I woke up yesterday looking forward to a great day, and a great way to end the day. 6PM has been my favorite hour and I have forgotten for so long that twilights were actually the most depressing part of the day. You know what it’s like–you have just left work and basically spent the day earning your keep, but for what and for whom? Seeing the face of a loved one before night sets in makes one realize that it all has been worth it. That you have conquered a challenge because of this someone.
I don’t know what I’m going to do at 6PM or the hours after that. Thank God, 6PM these days is already dark, unlike say, during the rainy months of June and July when everything turns into a very sad gray before darkness takes over. Maybe a long walk from work to my apartment would do me good, or I could ask friends to commiserate with me over coffee or drinks. But I don’t know until when they’d be willing to be in such a sad company.
It happened so fast, it took me by surprise. Maybe I should have gone up when he dropped me off instead of pushing him into telling me what was on his mind. I had a fair idea anyway–the parents thing–but I just didn’t realize that it would be the end. Maybe I could have bought one day more. One day more to clear our heads and think things over. One day to tell him how much I loved him. One day to make him feel better in spite of the situation we were in. And one day to convince him to stay.
I am both sad and angry. I am sad because I have just lost the one I loved. I’m angry at the unfairness of it. Two loving people should never have to part. Never. I’m also angry at myself for allowing myself into this situation which I knew had always had the axe waiting to fall upon its head. I had hoped beyond hope that maybe we would be lucky. That we knew that what we had was right (it has always been). But I ignored all the warning signs, the rules, all cautions and let myself fall for someone who I never would have even considered in a million years to fall for. God, I miss him so much–the drive from work, the talks, the text messages, the embraces and kisses, everything about him. He was the only thing that was real for a long time. He was my rock. He was my friend.
I remember this conversation we had months ago. He was telling me how he explained our situation to his parents and his sister.
Me: I believe in you.
He: No, believe in us.
I guess I still want to be friends with him, but maybe not too soon. Not when I know that the thought that I just lost what might have been gets too depressing. We could have been good as we have always been so. If only he gave me the chance, if only they gave us the chance.
I’m back to zero…to square one. I have to start over and I don’t even know where or how. All I know is that this is all going to get worse before it gets better.