It’s Friday night. I should have been somewhere else doing something else with someone else. But since my circumstances have changed, I’d rather spend Friday night differently. Sorry, ayoko na magmukmok sa bahay. Nakakasawa na. It won’t be like months ago, but it should be better than moping around in my room and feeling sorry for myself.
I have given up smoking and I can’t afford to drink as much as I used to. I’d rather save anyway for a big project. Tomorrow, I’m playing badminton and probably will be having dinner with friends. And then I’ll try to spend the rest of the weekend productively and creatively. Who knows what happens next? Maybe I’ll be bombed off the face of the earth just like those unfortunate souls that perished in today’s tragedy. Maybe I’ll live another day and then die the next. But I’d rather die having a good time or live through good times and bad. Tonight, I’d like to leave regrets behind if only for a few moments that I can feel unhampered by worries.
I’m tired of asking how things turned the way they did. Maybe I had a part in it. Maybe his parents (and hoards of uncles and aunties) emotionally blackmailed him. Maybe he was not man enough.
NYC can’t happen soon enough. I’ve been waiting for it since forever, and I’m still waiting for the trip that has been moved a gazillion times. So for now, I won’t mope around. I deserve better treatment from myself. I have friends who care about me, and guess what–out of the blue at least FOUR persons asked how I was this afternoon and told me to take care. These were the people who have, though the years, cared for me from afar. People care. Thanks, guys!
This is not to say that I will always be alright. I will still panic and worry every now and then. I will still doubt myself and be disappointed by the world around me. But such is life and if you have never been through what I have, then you have not yet lived. I may fail, I may stumble, but be sure that I will also strive to tough it out and smile through my tears until things get better. I have to do it for myself and for that very lucky bastard who I will finally share many happy years with. I have to do it for the people I will take under my wings. I’m already scared, but what else is there for me to do?
I’ll get a haircut, I’ll wear my purple shoes, I’ll wear sunscreen and put on makeup. I’ll play badminton. I will eat. I’ll reach out to people. I’ll write. I will write about things that I care about and things that supplement my income. I will network. I will get my blogging projects off the ground. I will be a good friend. I will be a good daughter. I will–at the very least try to–avoid the mistakes of the past and strive–just strive–to be happy and maybe I will finally be happy the way happy people ought to be happy. I will work on The Big Project.
We are all a day older for the first time. Thank heavens for muses.
Nicole Kidman’s father said it so well when her marriage with that weird scientologist midget ended:
“I’m not sure what the future holds but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate. As my dad said, ‘Nic, it is what it is. It’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.'”